Finding Yourself Again: When Did You Stop Making Space for You?

There can be a strange moment in adulthood when you realise you're not entirely sure what you enjoy anymore.

Not what the family enjoys. Not what needs doing around the house. Not what fits around work. Not what you should be doing.

What you enjoy.

For years, life can become a collection of roles and responsibilities. Work, relationships, family, animals, appointments, housework, finances and that mysteriously self-replenishing pile of washing.

We become very good at asking, “What needs doing next?”

But somewhere along the way, we can stop asking a much simpler question:

What do I want?

When our roles become part of our identity

Psychologically, our identities aren't static.

Our sense of who we are develops throughout our lives and can be influenced by our relationships, careers, interests, responsibilities, experiences and values.

Many of those roles are enormously important to us. The problem isn't having them.

It's what can happen when there is very little space left outside them.

When much of our time is spent responding to what other people or situations need from us, we can gradually become disconnected from the interests, values and ambitions that make us feel like ourselves.

It doesn't necessarily feel dramatic.

Sometimes it simply sounds like:

“I don't really know what I enjoy anymore.”

Or:

“I finally have some time and I don't know what to do with it.”

Or even:

“Everything is actually fine, so why do I feel like something is missing?”

More freedom doesn't automatically mean knowing what you want

This is something we don't talk about enough.

When circumstances change and we suddenly have a little more space, we might expect ourselves to feel liberated.

Instead, we can feel uncertain.

If you've spent years organising your time around responsibilities, asking yourself “What would I actually like?” can feel surprisingly unfamiliar.

And that doesn't mean you've lost yourself permanently.

It may simply mean you haven't had much practice listening to yourself lately.

Start with curiosity, not reinvention

There's enormous pressure in the personal-development world to transform.

Become your best self.

Find your purpose.

Change your life.

But perhaps you don't need another enormous project.

Finding yourself again can begin with curiosity.

Ask yourself:

When do I feel most like myself?

What did I once enjoy that disappeared when life became busy?

What am I curious about now?

If nobody else had an opinion, what would I like to try?

What am I continually saying I'll do “one day”?

You don't need brilliant answers.

Even noticing that they're difficult to answer is useful.

Follow the little sparks

We often imagine purpose as one enormous revelation.

Sometimes it's much quieter.

It's the thing you keep reading about.

The place you feel calmer.

The activity where you lose track of time.

The idea that keeps coming back.

The thing you're slightly terrified to try but secretly really want to.

Pay attention to those little sparks.

They are information.

You don't have to earn enjoyment

This may be an uncomfortable one.

How often do you allow yourself to do something enjoyable before everything else is finished?

For many of us, enjoyment becomes a reward:

I'll relax once I've cleaned.

I'll go out once I've caught up.

I'll make time for myself when things calm down.

Except life has an irritating habit of producing another job.

There will nearly always be something productive you could be doing.

Making room for yourself sometimes means deciding that enjoyment doesn't have to be earned by completing absolutely everything first.

One small experiment

Rather than trying to find yourself this week, try something much smaller.

Choose one thing purely because you want to do it.

Twenty minutes with a book.

A walk somewhere beautiful.

Booking the class.

Listening to music ridiculously loudly in the car.

Trying the hobby.

Buying the gig ticket.

Sitting with a coffee without simultaneously answering emails.

Then notice how you feel.

Personal growth doesn't always happen through enormous breakthroughs.

Sometimes it starts by collecting little pieces of yourself again.

Maybe you were there all along

I'm exploring this in my own life too.

After years of juggling work, family, home, horses and responsibilities, I'm deliberately making more room for the things that make me feel alive — from gigs and MotoGP to my horses, writing, creating Nurture by Naomi and doing slightly terrifying things like starting The Everyday Mind Podcast.

I'm discovering that finding yourself again isn't necessarily about rejecting the life you've built.

And it certainly doesn't mean the people you've cared for mattered too much.

It's simply recognising that you are allowed to exist within that life as a person with wants, interests, ideas and dreams of your own.

Perhaps we don't need to become somebody new at all.

Perhaps finding yourself again is simply about making space for the person who's been there all along.

A little question to leave with you:

What would you do this week if it didn't need to be productive, impressive or useful to anybody else?

🎧 Listen to: Finding Yourself Again — The Everyday Mind Podcast