Why capable women overthink — and why more thinking is not always the answer

Naomi Ashmore

Oct 5

3 min read

Updated: Oct 10

You can be capable, intelligent and perfectly able to make decisions — and still find yourself staring at the same choice for three days, asking five people what they think, changing your mind twice and wondering why something so ordinary feels so loud.

That does not automatically mean you lack confidence. Often, it means your mind is trying very hard to protect you from uncertainty, judgement or regret.

The moment useful thinking becomes a loop

Thinking is useful when it gives you new information, creates options or helps you reach a decision. Overthinking is different. It often repeats the same fears in slightly different wording.

More thinking is not always more information.

You might notice yourself researching long after you already have enough information, asking several people the same question, rehearsing what somebody might think, or delaying a reversible decision because you want certainty before you act.

Try Fact / Story / Possibility

When something happens, your mind very quickly adds meaning. That meaning can feel exactly like the fact.

FACT — What could a camera, email or neutral observer actually prove happened?
STORY — What meaning have I added?
POSSIBILITY — What else could reasonably be true?

For example: the fact may be that somebody has not replied to your message. The story might be that you annoyed them, they think you are embarrassing, or you said the wrong thing. The possibility is much wider: they are busy, they forgot, they have not decided yet, or the message simply is not the centre of their day.

Fear of judgement makes the audience feel bigger

A common coaching pattern is the imagined audience: 'people will think…', 'everyone will notice…', 'they'll judge me…'. One useful question is: who exactly?

Turning 'everyone' into a specific person or group often changes the emotional weight of the thought. You can then ask whether their opinion is relevant, whether you have evidence for your prediction, and what staying hidden is costing you.

Confidence can come after the action

We often treat confidence as permission: once I feel confident, I will post it, decide, speak, say no, apply, ask or make the change. But confidence frequently grows the other way around — from evidence collected after manageable action.

Confidence can be evidence collected after action, not permission received before it.

A 5% experiment

Instead of asking yourself to suddenly become fearless, ask what would make the situation 5% better. Choose something small, reversible and useful. Send the message. Make the low-risk decision. Say the sentence. Share the post. Then review what actually happened rather than what you predicted would happen.

If this sounds familiar

I created The Everyday Mind Method for women who are functioning perfectly well on the outside but are tired of second-guessing themselves on the inside. It is an eight-week, psychology-informed self-coaching programme covering overthinking, fear of judgement, visibility, self-trust, identity, boundaries and the gap between knowing and doing.

The founding programme includes 33 guided lessons and tools plus a 58-page companion workbook. It is designed to feel practical rather than overwhelming: understand the pattern, coach yourself through it, then take one realistic step.

Explore The Everyday Mind Method — £197

A small place to start

If this sounds familiar, my free “5 Questions for When You’re Overthinking Everything” guide offers a simple way to step out of the loop. No pressure to book coaching. Get your free five-question guide.

Want a more personal space to work through self-doubt or decisions? My online 1:1 coaching is £40 per session, with no package commitment. Enquire about coaching here.

This content is coaching and educational information. It is not therapy, diagnosis, medical advice or a substitute for professional healthcare support.